Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
