That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
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I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
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Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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