God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
