come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
My feet surprised me
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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