It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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