Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
