i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
