Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
