hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
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