Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
