Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
The power of my boobs compel you
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
