Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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