I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
