stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
