See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm experimenting with sincerity
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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