I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
