Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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