her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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