Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
sarcasm needs its own font
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
