I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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