I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
