I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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