I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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