I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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