Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
