A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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