I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Randomize
