He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
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I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
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We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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