I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
this will be a night to untag.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
