dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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