I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
