So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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