the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
