My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
You pole danced in your parka.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
