im having a threesome with these popsicles
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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