Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
