Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
