Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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