What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
