Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
