My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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