Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
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I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
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no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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