I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
