So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
