Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
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I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize