It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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