All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
