I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
