My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
