I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
