I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
