It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
