Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
