fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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