Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Randomize
