just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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