Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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