She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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