i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
