Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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