Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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