This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
What a dumb baby whore.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
