I smell stomach acid.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
